heavy boots

by gillian schnurr

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about

I feel sick with mundanity, the faint tired hangover of exhaustion from this morning’s whiskey/coffee fuelled romp, tearing through Oakville’s bright but gray October day. Maybe it was the funeral, or the several inbox messages I’m ignoring, or the pop radio in the room over is too loud, or too banal, and is giving me a massive headache. Maybe my bra fits weird and is too tight and the underwire pokes out and irritates my ribs each time I breathe out, or the cold food I had, over-spiced with rosemary by some hotshot executive chef the restaurant hired to consult on their new menu so they could put his too-white smile and credential on the backs of their menus to impress diners. It could be the lighting in this room, too bright at 60W per lightbulb, times three lightbulbs. I replaced them recently so I am used to only one of them working, at 40W. It feels harsh and surreal, as though my bed is prop dressing on the set of some garish pornographic movie.

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released October 6, 2016

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gillian schnurr Toronto, Ontario

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Track Name: attention shoppers
nothing costs a lot if you can't sell it
i have my own paperweight to carry
we can run and not look back again
we can hide forever if you want to
i'll pretend to be your girl
i'll pretend to be your girl

new news from america
man that place is fucked up
they eat their buzz
proper modern stuff
do this buy this be this try this
what's the point of it?
when in the end i'll be your girl
in the end i'll be your girl

watching tv stations, corporations
making money
ain't it funny?
how they all sell the same things to me
attention shoppers

nothing ever changes
this i know
what were you born a thousand years ago?
nothing's far away if you can pay for it
i'll pretend to be your girl
i'll pretend to be your girl

watching tv stations, corporations
making money
ain't it funny?
how they all sell the same thing to me
attention shoppers

we got education, contraception
high speed internet connection
hey they all sold the same things to me
attention shoppers

don't ask me what's in a name
that's how you got ahead of the game
so now you have to deal with the fame
shitty buzz cause it wasn't the same

don't ask me what's in a name
that's how you got ahead of the game
so now you have to deal with the fame
shitty buzz cause it's not the same
shitty buzz cause it wasn't the same
shitty buzz cause it wasn't the same
well shitty buzz cause it wasn't the same

we got education, contraception
high speed internet connection
hey they all sold the same things to me
attention shoppers

watching tv stations, corporations
make their money
ain't it funny?
how they all sell the same thing to me
attention shoppers
Track Name: i need to get to you
i need to get to you
i need to get to you

i need to get to you
i need to get to you
it might be something i say
it might be something i write online

i need to get to you
i need to get to you
it might be something i know
it might be something i am learning still

i just want to be near you
i just want to be near you
but you live only in your head
and you feel so much

but you live only in your head
and you feel so much
and you feel so much

i need to get to you
and you feel so much
i need to get you
and you feel so much

it might be something i know
it might be something i am learning still

i need to get to you
Track Name: mad girl's love song
Based on a Sylvia Plath poem:

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
Track Name: mercifully short song for the easily distracted
i'm on the floor and i'm following your twitter
you've been tweeting from your liver and you ran out of grammar
i ran out of the house and started bumping in the mosh pit
stammered it- it's over can you quit it with the hashtags?

ninety-five opinions and all of them are terrible
none of them expressible
a hundred forty characters
i'm reading too much into it
i bet you are a great cook
recently we started getting intimate on Facebook

late night messaging
wonder what its meaning is
wake up in the morning
discovering it's meaningless
i feel like dying
you're too easy to lie to
i'm at terrible at lying
see, that was a lie too
that was a lie too

(you get it though, right?)

i'd never lie to you
i'd never lie to you

lying on the ground in the middle of the school yard
calling you from here would seem i'm trying too hard
to impress you
i'll just text you
pull you in just to reject you

you listened to my new song
you found it really beautiful
totally rebloggable! totally Youtube-able!

late night songwriting
wonder what its meaning is
wake up in the afternoon when everything is meaningless
i feel like dying
it's so easy to want to
i'm terrible at lying
you're so easy to talk to

so can i talk to you?
so can i talk to you?
so can i talk to you? (can we talk it through?)
so can i talk to you? (can we talk it through?)
Track Name: slowly bending
time pulls us apart so please
have a little heart for these single-celled organisms
patching up the past years schisms
it was all you could do not to cry
when you heard it was not goodbye
you heard it was not goodbye

you have a funny way of slipping
into anterior positions
into things that feel so hopeless
into things you’ve got to cope with soon
or else you're mine to fight
i knew your song was mine to write
i never got the timing right
i never got the timing right

it’s always up to me to send you
back to where we both began
you play along but can’t pretend forever
you are slowly bending...

i always hope someone will call
you're always lonely after all
you're always on your own at home
always only looking at your phone
i wish you’d reach out to me
remind me how it used to be
remind me there are things worth fighting for
and there are words worth writing down
they're no good in your head
where they’re never heard or read aloud
i'm frickin sick of this
handicaps and benefits

you have a funny way of slipping
into anterior position
into things that feel so hopeless
into things you’ve got to cope with soon
i wish you’d reach out to me
remind me how we used to be
remind me there are things worth fighting for
and there are words worth writing down
they're no good in your head
where they’re never heard or read aloud
i'm frickin sick of this
Track Name: to feel it all again
you're so far down the hole
you can't look back for light
you've got this hope but we both know
that you're never quite right are you

and a thousand years ago
back when i was still your friend
you broke
can i fix you now?
to feel it again

your pretty is running fast
salty tears and puffy eyes
i can't stand to see you sad
but i love to watch you cry

went for a walk by the old place
just to let the news to sink in
and i sat in your front yard
and i felt it all again